I hate shopping. I don't go in for all this 'we aim to provide a truly satisfying and unique shopping experience' crap.
Which brings us to Cabot Circus, Bristol's huge shopping redevelopment. To get from the car park to the shopping mall, you need to cross the worst designed bridge I have seen since the one in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. As you walk across it, thanks to the skewed degree of the roofing structure, it makes you feel giddy and causes you to drift sideways as though you were drunk. It isn't just me - I have heard many people complain of similar.
George A Romero's zombie classic 'Dawn of the Dead' (a film primarily set in a shopping mall) is thought to be a satire on American consumerism. Well, folks, with Cabot Circus, we now have a Walking Dead of our own.
George A Romero's zombie classic 'Dawn of the Dead' (a film primarily set in a shopping mall) is thought to be a satire on American consumerism. Well, folks, with Cabot Circus, we now have a Walking Dead of our own.
So I contacted Cabot Circus management - whilst not much of a success, I enjoyed toying with them by spouting all sorts of nonsense...
My first email to Cabot Circus:
Dear sir/madam
I am writing to express my disgust and frustration at the bridge that greets all shoppers leaving the car park and entering the Cabot Circus shopping centre at level 3. I attach a photo for your perusal.
The first thing you will notice is that the roof is completely on the piss (architectural term). In fact, my mate Roy, who is a brick layer said "whoever designed that mate, is a disgrace to arty texture" (I think he meant 'architecture' but we'd had a few pints by the time I showed him the photo).
Secondly, are the rather unpleasant side effects experienced by shoppers attempting to cross this travesty of a bridge - people report suffering anything from dizziness and nausea, to actually falling over and vomiting.
Therefore, in resolution to this complaint, I would like you to address a couple of requests:
1. Please confirm exactly what the hell the 'architect' was trying to achieve when designing this tsunami of the senses. Was he/she actually paid for this crap? What was the brief exactly - "Design a bridge that makes people feel sea sick before embarking on what should be the most tranquil shopping experience Bristol can offer"?
2. At the end of the bridge, outside House of Fraser, please could you install a dispenser of complimentary sick bags for customers entering the Cabot Circus centre? If nothing else, House of Fraser will be pleased as their foyer currently serves only as a communal vomit pool for those who experience the more unpleasant side effects the bridge has to offer.
3. Could the current bridge be demolished in favour of a 400ft zipwire into the Cabot Circus shopping centre? My mate Roy, whilst he accepts he has no experience of installing such apparatus, says he can "Give you a very good price, for cash". Furthermore, anyone experiencing side effects whilst flying through the air at an excess of 50mph, can simply vomit onto the traffic below, rather than soiling the entrance to House of Fraser.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Kindest regards
Steve Crowley
___________________________________________________________________
I didn't hear anything, so I pestered them with this:
Dear sirs,
I write further to my previous email.
Do you think I could have the courtesy of a response? I do not want to go through the rigmarole of organising a petition or contacting my good friend George Ferguson, Lord Mayor of Bristol (photo attached in the event that you do not know who he is).
Many thanks
Steve Crowley
PS. Is it me, or does the Lord Mayor look like Eric Clapton?
PPS. The Lord Mayor of Bristol might not actually be a 'good' friend...or any kind of friend for that matter.
I then realised I had made a mistake, so quickly sent this:
Dear sirs,
I do apologise - I seem to have inadvertently attached a photo of Eric Clapton to my previous email. Please find attached the correct photo of the Lord Mayor of Bristol, George Ferguson:
Kindest regards
Steve Crowley
______________________________________________________________________
Cabot Circus replied with this:
Dear Stephen,
Thank you for contacting Cabot Circus Customer Services, and thanks for taking the time to give us your feedback it is always useful to receive feedback/customer comments both good and bad as this the only way improve our customer service.
The Cabot Circus car parking link bridge has been signed off to all mandatory requirements and the centre has won numerous awards for its design and building efficiency. The feedback to date has been positive from a design and practical point of view so we do not intend on making any changes for the foreseeable future.
Again thank you for your point of view and bring this to our attention.
Kind regards,
Berty Aherne
Customer Service Co-ordinator
Cabot Circus
Not very interesting, so I replied with this:
Thank you for your email. I appreciate the response.
Can you confirm what awards have been won?
Thank you.
Kindest regards
Steve
_____________________________________________________________________
They gave me this list - I was impressed - who wouldn't be?:
Dear Stephen,
Below is a list of Awards that Cabot Circus has been awarded.
Evening Post 2007 Developer of the Year Award
Evening Post Recruitment Awards 2007 Diversity Award
Mapic EG Retail Award 2008 - Best Shopping Centre of the Year
The Bristol Alliance - Harvest Bristol 2008 Outstanding Contribution to the built environment
Property Marketing Awards 2008
BRITISH COUNCIL OF SHOPPING CENTRES SUPREME GOLD 2008
BREEAM "Excellent" Rating Cabot Circus is the first shopping centre of its kind to be awarded a score of "excellent" under the BREEAM scheme
The European Standard Parking Award 2008
Structural Steel Design Award 2009 Cabot Circus roof was awarded with the 2009 Structural Steel Design Award at London's Science Museum. The judge's commented - "The mixed styles of this retail development are unified by a series of spectacular glazed roofs in various shell and vaulted forms. The structural design is an intelligent re-engineering of the initial concept. By rationalising the geometry and detailing for maximum repetition, the fabrication, erection and glazing were all simplified. Design and execution of very high quality."
Regeneration Scheme of the Year 2009 The Insider Property Awards "
Built in Quality & Sustainability awards - Bristol City Council Building Control 2009
Royal Town Planning Institute South West 2009 Planning Achievement award
Kind regards,
Berty Aherne
Customer Service Co-ordinator
Cabot Circus
A lot of information for me to work with so, here is my reply:
Thank you so much for the detailed reply.
I am sorry to be persistent (you must think I am quite pedantic), but there is no mention of the bridge to which I originally referred.
I am a little intrigued that The Structural Steel Design Award (2009) talked about an "erection" - whilst I accept Cabot Circus is certainly impressive, I would suggest anyone being sexually aroused by the shopping centre, needs professional counselling. I'll leave that to your judgement - I guess that when it comes to interfering with concrete structures, there are no "real victims".
Nonetheless, whilst I am impressed every time I enter Cabot Circus at the sheer scale of wasteful, soulless and capitalistic grandeur, it doesn't escape the fact that many shoppers are left physically drained having traversed the bridge.
So, could you please specifically respond to my concerns about the bridge per se, and more importantly, the similarities I raised in previous emails between George Ferguson (Lord Mayor of Bristol) and Eric Clapton (a man who music aficionados historically referred to as 'God'). I rather suspect they are one and the same person and I put it to you that Eric Clapton has assumed George Ferguson's identity for tax relief purposes. When was the last time you saw George Ferguson and Eric Clapton in the same room together? I rest my case.
Kindest regards
Steve
The Cabot Circus Posse replied with:
Morning Steve,
Hoping you are well.
In the award categories listed in our previous correspondence, Cabot Circus as a whole is taken into account; this includes the shopping area, the car park and the link bridge.
As previously mentioned the Cabot Circus car parking link bridge has been signed off to all mandatory requirements. We have not encountered situations that you mention in your initial enquiry so we do not intend on making any changes for the foreseeable future.
Once again a great many thanks to you for your feedback.
Kind regards,
Berty Aherne
Customer Service Co-ordinator
Cabot Circus
_____________________________________________________________________
Hmmm, bit boring so I wrote this:
Many thanks again for your reply.
I think I will avoid the bridge in future and enter the shopping centre at ground level.
Finally, do you agree that the Lord Mayor of Bristol looks like Eric Clapton? Do you think they may even be the same person?
Thanks
Steve
_____________________________________________________________________
Cabot played ball - a little:
Hi Steve,
Hope this finds you well, apologies for late response I have been on my rest days.
I previously mentioned the Cabot Circus car parking link bridge has been signed off to all mandatory requirements. We have not encountered situations that you mention in your initial enquiry so we do not intend on making any changes to it for the foreseeable future.
In regards to your question on Lord Mayor of Bristol George Ferguson/ Eric Clapton, they do look similar but I have no doubt that they are not same person.
Kind regards,
Berty Aherne
Customer Service Co-ordinator
Cabot Circus
My reply - the mention of the Facebook group is real - feel free to look it up and like or comment!!!:
Hi Berty - many thanks for your email.
Regarding George Ferguson/Eric Clapton - I was watching TV the other night and saw a concert with Eric Clapton. As Clapton performed a searing solo to Layla, I thought I would ring the Lord Mayors' office. I asked to speak to the Mayor and was told he was 'unavailable for comment'. So, on the one hand I had Clapton on my TV, banging out all his old hits, yet on the other, the Mayor was nowhere to be seen....coincidence? I'll let you be the judge.
Back to the bridge, I thought it would be helpful to set up a group on Facebook to allow people to show their support for the problems encountered with the bridge.
If you visit Facebook and search for "The wonky bridge in Cabot Circus makes me feel dizzy and sick", you will find an Open Group that I set up. It currently has 139 members and several comments. If you would like to join and pass onto your friends, family and colleagues, we could get the membership much higher which will add weight to getting the current bridge replaced in favour of a zipwire.
On that note, could you just confirm that if hypothetically the bridge were to be replaced, would you agree in principle to my mate Roy installing said zipwire?
Perhaps you could take a look and let me know.
Kind regards.
Steve
_______________________________________________________________________
I got the impression Cabot Circus wanted me to go away with their next response:
HI Steve,
Thank you for your continued comments but as we have answered your initial Cabot Circus related enquiry and have nothing further to add to this, we will consider this enquiry closed.
Kind regards,
Berty Aherne
Customer Service Co-ordinator
Cabot Circus
_____________________________________________________________________
My final reply:
Ok Berty. Thank you for your replies to my emails. I appreciate your time in this matter.
I will advise Roy to flytip the 400ft of steel cable he stole from a local building site as it is no longer needed.
Kindest regards
Steve
No comments:
Post a Comment